Like many of his neighbours in the sleepy small town of Anywhere, Bob was puzzled by the mysterious word its. When should he use an apostrophe? Bob was known as the best writer in town, and he dreaded everyone finding out his shameful secret.
Bob did know that apostrophes could do two things:
1. Show the reader that two words have been put together and letters have been removed.
2. Show the reader that an object is being possessed by someone or something.
So it made sense to Bob that people might write things like Bob’s a really smart guy. (If they only knew!)
Bob understood that Bob is could be contracted into Bob’s, with the apostrophe showing that there were missing letters.
Bob was also familiar with I always go to Bob’s house when I need some advice about apostrophes. (Oh, the mounting pressure!)
Since Bob owned his house, it made sense to write Bob’s house.
Bob was comfortable using apostrophes with almost any noun for the two situations. But then there were those exceptions he just didn’t understand: it, you, and they. He wasn’t comfortable deceiving his friends into believing he was a punctuation expert. He needed to figure this out. Maybe tonight he would finally master it.
Nancy’s coming over here tomorrow for apostrophe advice, Bob thought, and I’m worried about whether I have this right. Ha! The dog’s barking. It’s happening again. I must find out who is helping me!
Every night, Bob was being visited by a mysterious apostrophe thief. This stealthy punctuation master would slice out all the apostrophes that didn’t belong and take them away. Bob had never caught a glimpse of his visitor. He was left with only the results—accurate sentences.
Over time, Bob had noticed a pattern. Those vague and disturbing pronouns it, you, and they often had apostrophes going missing into the night. For these words, an apostrophe was left behind only for a situation where Bob was putting words together:
It’s strange that this is happening. [replacing It is]
You’re not going to believe this. [replacing You are]
They’re wrong about me being a punctuation genius. [replacing They are]
When Bob was writing about the possession of something, the apostrophes disappeared. Instead of it’s, you’re, and they’re, he was left with its, your, and their.
If only the town knew its resident writer was not the true source of punctuation knowledge. [the resident writer belonged to the town]
My dog always barks at your arrival, oh mysterious visitor. [the visitor controls the arrival]
But the townfolk go on their merry way, unaware of who is in their midst. [the townfolk are responsible for their oblivious activity]
At the sound of the dog barking, Bob sprinted into his home office. He found a shrouded figure crouched on his messy desk, claws resting lightly on the surface. Bob halted in the doorway.
He whispered, “It’s you! You’re the one who’s been stealing my apostrophes and preserving my reputation! They’re treating me like I’m a genius, but you’re the one who truly knows!”
The ninja slowly nodded its head.
“Oh, great punctuation master, please tell me if I have learned the pattern correctly for it, you, and they. When you’re contracting words, you use an apostrophe. But when you want to show possession, you do not use an apostrophe. Your teachings have taught me this. I will now be able to truly help the townspeople with their punctuation. Am I correct?”
The ninja nodded its head again.
“May the town know its true benefactor?”
In the blink of an eye, the apostrophe thief sprang out the window and disappeared into the night.
Holding his breath, Bob approached his desk. None of the apostrophes had been removed from his papers. He had finally achieved mastery!
The town slept on, unaware of one man’s secret triumph.